Is It Me?
Am I just selfish?
Do I think of only my own needs and wants in life?
Do I perhaps feel sorry for myself?
Or is it the fact that I want more in life? Is it the picture in my head I am holding onto? I want quality of life. I want to remember the years, days and afternoons spent with my kids. I want what we had before Nika went to school just before she turned five. I know what I want. I am also very aware of what I don't want. I don't want to wake up one day and wonder where the time has gone. I don't want to forget moments and even more importantly I don't want to miss anything.
I'll Do What It Takes, But What About Us?
I’ll get up early in the mornings, I’ll go out in the cold if I have to, I don’t even mind the homework but in moderation. Our days consists of school, hours of homework and each child's own after school curriculum activities. One mom. In the mean time I still have a little three year old that is rushing around in the car with me all afternoon after school because he wants mommy. Time is running and life is passing us by without sparing one second.
Am I doing it wrong?
I tried a nanny, and for my own personal reasons didn’t like it.
I tried a homework teacher and unfortuanatly that didn’t work out either.
I’m not letting someone else race my kids around town because it’s a race! If you want to make it on time, there’s just no chance of sticking to the speed limit.
I even tried the after school class for Nika so that she’s at school for all the extra curriculum activities but that was the worst decision ever! Her first test came back with a full 30% I don’t think so.
I Know I Am Not Alone I know all moms do this. I know I’m not the only person out there with this exact same problem. Even better I know I’m not the only mom of four. Maybe Harassed Mom can give me some advice as she is too a mom of four or my dear friend One Messy Mama who is a mom of five. My husband doesn’t and can’t help out during the week, he sometimes leaves before we wake up and gets home most nights after bedtime. Monday’s till Thursday’s he is a no go. And I’m grateful for what he does for us, it’s his hard work that allows me to stay at home and be there for our kids. It still leaves me standing alone trying to juggle all the balls and keeping my head above water. I am coping, and I am coping fine. That's not the problem here. The problem is I am coping with something I don't want to cope with. I don't want this rushed life.
My Issue
By the time it’s 17:30 I’m done and so are the kids. Although it doesn't end there, with a mountain of things still left to do I manage to get them to bed clean and with full tummies. I then carefully plan their next crazy day which is always the next day.
I miss my kids! I miss my family! I miss family time. I miss being together! Is this not what matters most? Is this not more important than all the other stuff?
The Questions In My Head
I can’t help but to ask myself these questions more than what I should. (I think)
Is it okay to say I want more? I need more! I don’t want to be opening my eyes and it’s all over before I knew it even begun. Is time not a gift we have no control over?
Why has everything changed so much from when I was a kid? Or did it?
Does The Change Lie In Me?
I feel fragile when it comes to this subject and I know God knows my heart. But for this change, is that not up to me to take certain steps? How can I change it? How can I make it better? What are the steps I need to take next? All these unanswered questions in my head. It doesn't control me or my days, and don't get me wrong. I am happy and we are so blessed but I want more.
I've always wanted more.
Am I just being ridiculous? Asking for too much? Wanting and seeking something that doesn’t exist anymore or anywhere?
I Will Not Settle For Second Best As a family we make the absolute most of our time from Friday 13:30 to Monday mornings. Surely I don’t have to settle for only three days a week? I don't think I ever will. I will forever search for more quality and I will not stop until I found my peace. I want more than just the ordinary. Life is too short to settle for second best.
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