Before I Was Mom
I always wanted to be a mom. I always wanted a huge family. But no one can prepare you beforehand for what it will be like once you become a mom.
Our infertility journey left me broken so many times but it also taught me to trust in God's timing and that in life we can try plan as much as we want. Life only comes from God in his perfect timing. The same goes for death. The two things in this life we have zero control over. Life and death.
Fifteen Years Ago
Fifteen years ago I just went for another laparoscopic surgery, and my body was pumped with hormones to try another implant. Anyone that has gone through this will know and understand it is not a fun journey. Hormones being pumped into your body, the actual emotional hormonal build up to the day. Then the ACTUAL day followed by those terrible hopeful, high expectance days that lasts for fourteen long days.
Unfortunately my timing was not God's timing and I again tested negative on the 19 November 2008. This completely broke me. I remember thinking things like "am I not good enough to be a mom?" "Was I wrong my entire life to think I would be a mom one day?" "What is wrong with me?" I cried. No sorry, I sobbed!
Little Did I Know
Little did I know on the 19 November in 2009 I will be holding my first baby in my arms and she would be healthy, and given to me by God Himself without any implants or hormonal treatments. God's time! He knew.
Little did I know fifteen years ago I would be a mom to four beautiful kids.
Little did I know they would become my life and best dream ever. Thank God I held onto that dream.
Fourteen Years Ago
Today fourteen years ago I was waiting. I was excited because I knew it could happen any minute. Any moment. I will be mom. But I wasn't mom yet and nothing could ever prepare me for becoming a mom.
If you have to ask me about the biggest moments in my life I would have to answer with the following:
Biggest moments in / of my life was four times. The four times they placed four little human bodies in my arms. Me - exhausted but so thankful, so grateful, so overwhelmed by the miracle of life. Something nobody could ever prepare me for, something no one can ever take from me, something that will always belong to me. A moment in time that will forever make me mom and no longer just a girl or a wife.
Sure I had big moments in life. Like the day I got married, my matric farewell, even my matric holiday, the first year I got my Freestone Colors for running.... but nothing compared before or since.
She Was My Blessing
Nika was my first. She was the one that brought me healing, hope, motherhood and purpose. And each year just before her birthday I remember how low I was before I found out about her on the 3 February 2009. She was my blessing.
In life we will face things we don't understand. We are tested, we hurt, we want to loose all hope, faith and even give up dreams because doors shut when we think it is time to open. But let my story and my blessing become your hope today. Don't give up. Don't think because it's not happening, it's not meant to be. Trust in the timing of the Lord, and I know even now so many years later, I struggle with this most.
Keep the faith and if something is meant for you, it will be. God is faithful. Tomorrow I will celebrate my Nika's life, because she will be fourteen. I've watch her carefully as she's grown and I am so proud to be her mommy. Not only did she bring healing, but she brings so much joy to my life every day. She was hand picked for me, God knew exactly what I would needed.
Hope you have a blessed week, and remember to keep trusting God for those pre-birthed dreams.
Lots of Love