The Vision was clear!
The strangest thing happened to me early January, and I was sure that I made a mistake when I heard what I heard. God gave me a clear message, but in my mind this wasn't. I mean, it just couldn't have been God. You see He gave me a picture last year and I was so focused on this amazing big picture .... how could He now all of a sudden ask me to walk in the complete opposite direction. How was this even possible? Can it really be God?
Tons of questions have been running through my mind for weeks. Thoughts and human plans in my mind.
BUT CONFESSION TIME
In my heart I knew exactly what He was saying, I felt it. In my mind and thoughts I wouldn't hear it and decided to give it a year (before I obey) just to make sure I understood exactly what He meant. (Let's call it a safe place of preparation while I try to figure out what exactly it is God needs me for.)
When I told my husband...
His first reaction was just a look of confusion. I think in that moment he maybe thought I was going crazy. Just the other day I told him the great big vision God had given me, and now I was telling him God told me to walk away. I could see this, his face said it all.
I must be mistaken!
Only one month later I met with a sister in Christ. She is my friend and whenever I need prayer she is my "go to" person. I never told her about God's message because. I decided to give it at least a year before I do anything drastic. Before I went to her that Saturday morning, I was praying in the bath, begging God to show me the way. This prayer was not really directed at this one instruction, it was basically an open prayer for my life in general. It was a light prayer, but at the same time a big "cry out."
It wasn't long before my friend started a conversation where she was talking about families going to church together. As she spoke the hairs on my arms stood up. He's done it again!
He answered one of my prayers.
I have done it again, I chose to wait and go on my terms instead of just being obedient and listen to Him immediately. Why do we do this? I knew exactly what God had told me. I even accepted it! BUT I chose to wait... not in obedience but before I will be obedient. My terms! My plans!
After hearing her message, which was a message straight from God, through her to me, I was an emotional wreck. God loves me so much that He asked someone else to deliver the same message again, just to make sure I got it right. I was bowled over.
My friend was so happy I knew what she was talking about because God just gave her this message. She had no idea what I had been dealing with and in her own way she had her little conversations with God. She also couldn't understand why God will say I must stop something He started and blessed in abundance from the beginning.
So, after tears and loads of Godly wisdom from my friend, I left. I was so emotional. Barry didn't know what was going on, I walked through the door and it was just tears and snot. I tried to explain they were tears of joy, but I couldn't really get a word out. I slept that afternoon ... emotional exhaustion I guess.
Tears of Joy because of the way He touched me that day. Not the message. This was still hard to accept and process.
Why did I think this was going to be easy? This is really hard! After my message from God and acceptance in my heart, I physically felt Him.
The very next day.... Sunday
I was standing in front of about 20 kids, praising God. In that moment I knew it was the beginning of the end. It was as if God touched me that day in a way He hardly ever does. Almost as if He had no other choice, because I wouldn't believe Him. Like I felt Him standing next to me.
I was an emotional wreck on the inside, my heart felt like it was literally breaking in half. Questions popping up in my mind. Why would You stop such a good thing? Why would You build it up to this and then draw a line? Why me? Why now?
Even though I had all these questions, I knew the answer and I accepted my next step.
I told my co-teacher where I was and what had happened. I spilled all the beans while sharing some tears and laughs. Her reaction was not what I expected it to be. I mean if this was from God, surely He would have prepared her as well. She wasn't prepared and she was a little heart broken to say the least.
When she told me how much this journey has changed her life and how she was praying for something and that this something I did was her answer.... BOOM ... back to doubt.
We decided to continue praying about the situation together and will allow God's will in the end. We continued as usual, and although I dedicated a lot of time in prayer about this I had peace at the way we were going about it all.
It was holiday, I finally had a Sunday off to get myself to church. Just before we jumped out the car I said a quick prayer. "Lord, I know what You want from me. I know the next step. Can you maybe tell me today, what the next step entails? Thank you and Amen." We jumped out the car and went inside.
If I tell you I was bowled over again! In a way that words can't explain! God just really took such an interest in telling me in detail about what my next steps would be. I had goosebumps for an hour during the sermon.
God told me the following - "I want you to go to church, with your husband. I need you to go as a family. I need you there." Our pastor said so many things that morning that I can't remember now but the one thing I do remember was the word "participate." Participate at church, participate in the church community.... just be a participant at church.
Again I felt WOW. He loves me so much. I asked one question before church and He gave me an entire hour of preaching one answer.
I'm going back to church.
So for the second term I have moved the times of my kids ministry. I will be going to church and make my way straight to Grace KiDs after church for my hour and half with the kids.
At this point I have peace with it, and for now I'll continue to wait on God for the next step. I know I'm going back to church and I also know I'll be participating at church just as God has commanded me to do. I don't have all the answers yet. I'm waiting ... I don't understand any of this, but I will listen.
I have absolutely no idea??? First He showed me a huge kids ministry at the end of last year. I was ready to buy a building kind of thing. Then all of a sudden He tells me to walk away? So I'm in the dark here. What I do know is that God's plans for us is to prosper and not to be harmful.
I will be obedient and I will wait on God and see what the next steps are. I'm emotionally excited. I'm confused, yet certain. I'm sad but so happy that He takes such big interest in me! My life.
I am bowled over! I am in awe!